Things That You Never Hear...

Earlier this year I posted about some of the wacky things people have asked me about hunting, and rest assured, many people are still asking me all sort of bizarre and occasionally inane things about it.   But aside from being a good-natured way for me to try to educate some people about the pastime of hunting, it also gets me to thinking about some of the things that I never hear in connection with my hunting experience.  So now, I present to you, a list of phrases that I can safely say have never been uttered during any of my countless hunting trips.  Sure some of them are clichés…who cares?

“You cooked that steak perfectly.”

“Wow, you smell really good.”

“No, I think I’ve had just about enough bacon.”

“I love hunting in the rain.”

“That hair colour really suits your complexion.”

“You did just what I would have done and I don’t have any advice to give you.”

“Don’t bother sweeping the floor.  It will just get dirty again.”

“The government is doing a perfectly good job and they are all competent people with our best interests at heart.”

“You young guys do way too much work around the camp.  Take a rest and have a beer.”

“That toast isn’t burned at all.”

“I don’t think we’ve brought enough beer nuts this year.”

“A wine spritzer does sound refreshing, thanks.”

“I’d love a mock-chicken sandwich.”

“That Stompin’ Tom Connors music is too loud!”

“Cheddar cheese soup?  Delightful!”

“Shawn, that undershirt fits you perfectly.”

“I have no idea what that deer was thinking.”

“I’d much rather use the outhouse than crap in the woods.”

“There’s much less mouse poop in the camp than there was last year.”

“Everybody is talking much too quietly.”

“I think those decoys are arranged perfectly.  We mustn't fiddle with them.”

“Did you ever notice that clouds sometimes look like things?”

“Chip dip?  Well that’s just unnecessary…”

“That fire is big enough and doesn’t need any more wood added to it.”

“You can’t put gravy on that.”

“You’re right; I have hunted enough and ought to stay inside by the fire during this godforsaken blizzard.”

“Sure, you can use my toothpaste.”

“Sure Dane, you can borrow my hunting pants.” 

“Thanks Luke, I’ll clean and return them immediately after the season.”

“No, you didn’t snore at all last night.”

“That story contained exactly zero bullshit.”

“Shawn…I disagree with your viewpoint and have a well-constructed argument prepared that will refute it.  I am not just going to swear at you.”

“I’m sorry, I did fart.”

“You did dishes last night, I’ve got this round.”

“Shhhh, I’m listening to Beethoven.”

“I missed that goose completely.”

“Shawn, you’re not calling enough.”

“That turkey wasn’t the biggest one I’d ever seen.”

“If you shoot a bear I’ll help you clean it.”

“If you’re going out to grab a beer, I’d like a bottle of mineral water please.”

“That knife is too sharp.”

And probably the least likely thing you’ll ever hear if you go hunting with me and my group of buddies…

“I couldn’t have said it better myself.”

This is just a smattering of phrases that I anticipate never hearing anybody use in my hunting camp.  But who knows, maybe we’ll all become sophisticates and someone will crack out the classical music, replace the chips and venison pepperettes with  baby carrots and cucumber slices, and we’ll talk to each other in a refined civil tone appropriate for churches and meeting royalty.  I guess stranger things have happened, but no matter what, we’ll all still probably brave lousy weather and sometimes long odds at success just to get out and chase after wild game.  Because after all the fun and silliness that we love is set aside, that’s just what we’ve always done.